Reaching there

Been married for a while and the thoughts of having a kid have crossed. I have been relunctant to have a kid, and one main reason has been that i have not reached "there", from where i can tell my kid see i have come this far and set an example for him. Its not that i have not tried, i have tried hard enough, but things happen in a way, that i just want to give up.

I don't like sucking up people, i don't like being somebody and pretending to be somebody, and given my constraints i think i need to do these things to get to "somewhere". I have been failing to get to this place. It is a bit loosely defined for me like having my own business, or devolop my own software product or doing something by which people recognize me and say that i am great. That elusive search for greatness has brought a lot of unrest into my life. But i just didn't want to give up, coz it is the weaklings that give up and baby i am by no means weak, i don't give up.

I think it stems from the fact that as a kid i did not respect my dad very much. I no doubt loved him and still do, but somewhere i saw him as a plain simple guy, which was nothing to respect. And the same pattern continues with me, i need to do something great, to "become" someone, so that i could accept myself.

Today, however, i declare that i have found myself, i have reached where i wanted to be, and that is where i stand currently. I love myself as a person, whoever i am, and accept that in this world i do not control a lot of things and there would be people who don't seem right from my standpoint, that i would need to put up with, and further bow down to. I accept it as a fact and facet of life. It pains and hurts, but i accept it now.

The quest to become better and a master of my own destiny continues, but i give up all my anger, i want a life of peace. Even if i die today, i want to end an accomplished life. I have done whatever i thought was right, and although, i might not have reached where i wanted to, it seems right. I am content.

I have my own circle of influence, and i would attempt to increase it, and maybe one day, i don't need to bow down to injustice and things that don't seem right, but i end up my anger and declare a ceasefire with the human race. They would be as they are, and i give up caring for all of them, doing what seems right in the bigger picture.

I care for myself, and i want to live in peace. I have arrived, and i have found myself, and reached there, and incidentally there is the place from where i started. It feels like home. Sleep beckons. Good to be home. And by the way i respect my dad for being who he is, so straight, so simple, so caring and taking care of all of us, when it was tough to make ends meet. love you dad