Reaching there

Been married for a while and the thoughts of having a kid have crossed. I have been relunctant to have a kid, and one main reason has been that i have not reached "there", from where i can tell my kid see i have come this far and set an example for him. Its not that i have not tried, i have tried hard enough, but things happen in a way, that i just want to give up.

I don't like sucking up people, i don't like being somebody and pretending to be somebody, and given my constraints i think i need to do these things to get to "somewhere". I have been failing to get to this place. It is a bit loosely defined for me like having my own business, or devolop my own software product or doing something by which people recognize me and say that i am great. That elusive search for greatness has brought a lot of unrest into my life. But i just didn't want to give up, coz it is the weaklings that give up and baby i am by no means weak, i don't give up.

I think it stems from the fact that as a kid i did not respect my dad very much. I no doubt loved him and still do, but somewhere i saw him as a plain simple guy, which was nothing to respect. And the same pattern continues with me, i need to do something great, to "become" someone, so that i could accept myself.

Today, however, i declare that i have found myself, i have reached where i wanted to be, and that is where i stand currently. I love myself as a person, whoever i am, and accept that in this world i do not control a lot of things and there would be people who don't seem right from my standpoint, that i would need to put up with, and further bow down to. I accept it as a fact and facet of life. It pains and hurts, but i accept it now.

The quest to become better and a master of my own destiny continues, but i give up all my anger, i want a life of peace. Even if i die today, i want to end an accomplished life. I have done whatever i thought was right, and although, i might not have reached where i wanted to, it seems right. I am content.

I have my own circle of influence, and i would attempt to increase it, and maybe one day, i don't need to bow down to injustice and things that don't seem right, but i end up my anger and declare a ceasefire with the human race. They would be as they are, and i give up caring for all of them, doing what seems right in the bigger picture.

I care for myself, and i want to live in peace. I have arrived, and i have found myself, and reached there, and incidentally there is the place from where i started. It feels like home. Sleep beckons. Good to be home. And by the way i respect my dad for being who he is, so straight, so simple, so caring and taking care of all of us, when it was tough to make ends meet. love you dad

The journey

Nothing lasts forever,
it converts itself to something,
and then something else, and in the long run, nothing again,
In the long run, nothing does not change,
In the long run, people are dead,
And then and only, do people unite.

Why and wherefore

Slavery was abolished from the world a long time ago.
But then, what is the term that should be given to a person of a middle class, who works hard, takes shit from, all and sundry. He cannot rebel, as he is the bread earner for his family, and he needs to be a part of the system, face its ire, idiosyncracies, bullshit stories about what he needs to continously do to get good karma and be happy.

He is worse than the slaves of the yesteryears. At least everybody knew that they were slaves, and they accepted their current state. But here, he is in a state of denial, which is the phase that hurts the most. I am a free bird, and can do anything in this world is what he believes. Feel sad and pity for him.

Religion tells him that you need to keep on continuing doing the good work, the results will come.
His business friends tell him, buddy you need to take risk in life, no pain no gain.
Family tells him buddy hold on to your job, it is important.
You need to do this, that, blah blah blah

The world outside is a piece of rotten shit that sticks. Expecting honesty and respect from people leads to pain. Not trusting people leads to isolation.

Is it capitalism, that is at the base of all this bullshit. Capitalism not only produces goods that people need, but it also often produces need for goods that can be cost-effectively produced. Porn is a great example. Focus on cost-effectiveness for a particular enterprise leads to it making trade-offs that are bad for the world in general. In an idealistic scenario the regulators should catch it. But the regulators are humans living in a capitalistic society, and in a capitalistic society, the main virtue is guess what? Money, power. So for an enterprise to succeed it needs to make these tradeoffs, its survival is at stake, and if having good relationships with the regulators helps, so be it. Mediocracy and bull shit ensues. There are thresholds at each level of power and wealth. You need to work the system to cross these thresholds. As you keep on working the system, crossing theshold after threshold, to escape it, you become a part of it. The difference is that you are nearer the top of the pyramid, than earlier. Now you have ample idle time to relax and enjoy. There is this innate need to connect to humans. But then, you live in a capitalstic system, there are people who have more than you, and there are people who have less than you. You need to protect yourself from people "lesser" than you, and people "bigger" than you, would not give you respect. But you have the cure for this: money. With this single most wonderful invention, you can buy spirituality, go to a spa, feel good when you eat food from a great restaurant. People "lesser" than you, recognize you, give respect to the money you have earned. The rest of the life is focussed on how to create more money, so that people do not leave you behind, and you do not become a failure. At the end of it, you make it. You have amassed as much money as it could. Yeah, it is not as much as Mr X, but still it is sizable and respectable. Death waits at the door. You have one last wish: to be able to connect with people, feel love and give it back. Yeah, you say, there are some compromises you need to make to succed, and this is one of them. Haven't you succeeded, you ask yourself, you have made so much money. With a smile, you welcome death, and feel happy on finally succeeding in life.