Life, Unlife

Scene 1
Change. Damn!
No, incessant screaming and ranting.
Anger.
Acceptance.
Err Acceptance to a degree.
Survival instinct to keep going on and maximize exit at a favorable time.
The want for freedom.
Conflict.
Losing sanity.
Doubting each decision. Afraid to take action.
Getting drunk, being carefree and regretting it.
The lost of innocence and peace.
Waiting for the D-day.
Waiting, waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Unlife.
Boom! D-day.
Slowness, sluggishness.
Peace.
Return to sanity, normalcy
Return to happiness.

Scene 2
Being centered.
Being centered.
Change! whimper.
Being centered.
Being centered.
What for?
Chasing dreams, feeling life.
Chilling out
Having fun.
Getting drunk without remorse
Gaining weight.
Change! Boom.
Promises to be centered. 
Being centered.
Being centered.
Appreciating the haves.
Being at peace with the have nots.
Return to sanity, normalcy.
Return to happiness.

 Scene 3.
Feeling small.
Feeling helpless.
Feeling a victim.
Unlife.
Death.
Realization of time wasted, energy wasted.
Looking back at things that were and could have been.
Being centered.
Realization of "now" and being present.
Being at peace.
Return to happiness.
Logging out.

Reaching there

Been married for a while and the thoughts of having a kid have crossed. I have been relunctant to have a kid, and one main reason has been that i have not reached "there", from where i can tell my kid see i have come this far and set an example for him. Its not that i have not tried, i have tried hard enough, but things happen in a way, that i just want to give up.

I don't like sucking up people, i don't like being somebody and pretending to be somebody, and given my constraints i think i need to do these things to get to "somewhere". I have been failing to get to this place. It is a bit loosely defined for me like having my own business, or devolop my own software product or doing something by which people recognize me and say that i am great. That elusive search for greatness has brought a lot of unrest into my life. But i just didn't want to give up, coz it is the weaklings that give up and baby i am by no means weak, i don't give up.

I think it stems from the fact that as a kid i did not respect my dad very much. I no doubt loved him and still do, but somewhere i saw him as a plain simple guy, which was nothing to respect. And the same pattern continues with me, i need to do something great, to "become" someone, so that i could accept myself.

Today, however, i declare that i have found myself, i have reached where i wanted to be, and that is where i stand currently. I love myself as a person, whoever i am, and accept that in this world i do not control a lot of things and there would be people who don't seem right from my standpoint, that i would need to put up with, and further bow down to. I accept it as a fact and facet of life. It pains and hurts, but i accept it now.

The quest to become better and a master of my own destiny continues, but i give up all my anger, i want a life of peace. Even if i die today, i want to end an accomplished life. I have done whatever i thought was right, and although, i might not have reached where i wanted to, it seems right. I am content.

I have my own circle of influence, and i would attempt to increase it, and maybe one day, i don't need to bow down to injustice and things that don't seem right, but i end up my anger and declare a ceasefire with the human race. They would be as they are, and i give up caring for all of them, doing what seems right in the bigger picture.

I care for myself, and i want to live in peace. I have arrived, and i have found myself, and reached there, and incidentally there is the place from where i started. It feels like home. Sleep beckons. Good to be home. And by the way i respect my dad for being who he is, so straight, so simple, so caring and taking care of all of us, when it was tough to make ends meet. love you dad

The journey

Nothing lasts forever,
it converts itself to something,
and then something else, and in the long run, nothing again,
In the long run, nothing does not change,
In the long run, people are dead,
And then and only, do people unite.

Why and wherefore

Slavery was abolished from the world a long time ago.
But then, what is the term that should be given to a person of a middle class, who works hard, takes shit from, all and sundry. He cannot rebel, as he is the bread earner for his family, and he needs to be a part of the system, face its ire, idiosyncracies, bullshit stories about what he needs to continously do to get good karma and be happy.

He is worse than the slaves of the yesteryears. At least everybody knew that they were slaves, and they accepted their current state. But here, he is in a state of denial, which is the phase that hurts the most. I am a free bird, and can do anything in this world is what he believes. Feel sad and pity for him.

Religion tells him that you need to keep on continuing doing the good work, the results will come.
His business friends tell him, buddy you need to take risk in life, no pain no gain.
Family tells him buddy hold on to your job, it is important.
You need to do this, that, blah blah blah

The world outside is a piece of rotten shit that sticks. Expecting honesty and respect from people leads to pain. Not trusting people leads to isolation.

Is it capitalism, that is at the base of all this bullshit. Capitalism not only produces goods that people need, but it also often produces need for goods that can be cost-effectively produced. Porn is a great example. Focus on cost-effectiveness for a particular enterprise leads to it making trade-offs that are bad for the world in general. In an idealistic scenario the regulators should catch it. But the regulators are humans living in a capitalistic society, and in a capitalistic society, the main virtue is guess what? Money, power. So for an enterprise to succeed it needs to make these tradeoffs, its survival is at stake, and if having good relationships with the regulators helps, so be it. Mediocracy and bull shit ensues. There are thresholds at each level of power and wealth. You need to work the system to cross these thresholds. As you keep on working the system, crossing theshold after threshold, to escape it, you become a part of it. The difference is that you are nearer the top of the pyramid, than earlier. Now you have ample idle time to relax and enjoy. There is this innate need to connect to humans. But then, you live in a capitalstic system, there are people who have more than you, and there are people who have less than you. You need to protect yourself from people "lesser" than you, and people "bigger" than you, would not give you respect. But you have the cure for this: money. With this single most wonderful invention, you can buy spirituality, go to a spa, feel good when you eat food from a great restaurant. People "lesser" than you, recognize you, give respect to the money you have earned. The rest of the life is focussed on how to create more money, so that people do not leave you behind, and you do not become a failure. At the end of it, you make it. You have amassed as much money as it could. Yeah, it is not as much as Mr X, but still it is sizable and respectable. Death waits at the door. You have one last wish: to be able to connect with people, feel love and give it back. Yeah, you say, there are some compromises you need to make to succed, and this is one of them. Haven't you succeeded, you ask yourself, you have made so much money. With a smile, you welcome death, and feel happy on finally succeeding in life.

Most abundant things in the Universe

After interacting with a lot of people, i have come to the following conclusion about the most abundant things in the universe. The first three in my list are:-
1. Stupidity
2. Greed
3. Hydrogen.

One expression that really freaks me out these days is "civilization" and civilized people. I don't understand what the **** these terms mean
Are we more advanced than our ancestors who were apes. This term seems to mean "Having a high state of culture and development both social and technological". I would agree with the technological parts(w.rt. bullet 1, Weapons of Mass Stupidity are very lethal and contagious) but what about the social aspects?

Having technology be a slave to a stupid master? How wise is that?
We are on a mission to destroy the eco-system that we inhabit, and hope to not face the consequence.
When we are strong, we want to bully our fellow human beings to do what we want, and when we are weak we are going to plea for mercy, deceive or cheat. What the F***.

This race for higher glory, pleasure, *fulfillment* is maddening.
To each his very own.

I dont think animals are so stupid or fuc*ing selfish. They eat when they have to, and maintain some sort of equilibrium with their environment.

Man's greed is only second to his stupidity. He would exploit everything around him only to repent for it later. But yeah life is now. Who cares about tomorrow.

Everyone wants to marry a Goddess, raise his own kids, be *successful* in life. People around us are living in pathetic conditions. But i did not create these conditions, and why should i clean it up? A very reasonable excuse.

People fight over religion. What the heck? Is your faith in Him, so weak, that you need to fight with people over what their faith is. Religion was made to unite people and not to divide them.

Yeah, a man is a funny animal. He has to loose everything, before he realizes the importance of what he has lost. So much for the civilized world.

Love

Love and God are so similar, they call upon you to trust, accept and let things be and enjoy the stillness and ever-changing landscape.
From an atheist's point of view God is a conversation designed to soothe a man's survival instinct, it is a conversation, that lets him live in peace amidst all the chaos and change around him.
Love is something similar, when analyzed and understood.

But understanding is so damn limited, it does not understand or comprehend, that there are powers beyond it, well how can it?

Love is a fresh flower to be felt, admired, its in the present, its strength its tough, trying and yet so satisfying. Makes the life thatz empty meaningful.

After being a non-believer for so much time, i believe, i choose to enjoy my life and be at peace take what i want, though it might not make sense, but thatz just all i want.
Not to analyze things anymore, not to be so rigid, so power hungry, so focussed on myself.
Just chill and enjoy, be at peace with things, and chill out, take a break.
Believe and love, and let Him enter and Be.

Routine Life

You create a purpose, an intent, you can destroy it.
Creation and destruction are natural phenomenon. One that gets created would get destroyed.
Desire to stay in vacuum, being on the stands of the game called life.
Observing people being happy, being sad, judging evaluating, waiting for a safe time when you would start playing, living actually.
And then wonder of wonders, what is the meaning of life, is the tone that plays.
Nothing has to be done, nothing.
You could do various things, all the same. Desire to do dims, been there, done that.
What next, is the question?
How could Harry Potter have settled to a normal life after his seventeen years of adventure, is the question that crosses the mind?
Something that would be bigger than me, would challenge me could be an answer.
What constrains me is my responsibilities, the fear of failure. Not actually the fear of failure, but the depression that ensues when you put everything on stake, and loose out. Invariably, you think are you a moron, a person with sub-normal intelligence. What were you thinking, and if you weren't thinking, why not? Huh, is the only retort. I would be more careful, more thoughtful is what you offer. But damn, the life of thoughtfulness and care is boring.
Feel like dozing off.
Wonder what would it be like if i were a psychologist?
Damn never stop trying it on myself, hope would not drive my patients nuts.
Coming back to life, i like to call it quits in the middle of all the projects i take. Why?
They stop being fun. I remember as a kid, i used to play cricket, and i used to play with the first gang of friends, then the next gang, and would never tire.
That was fun for me.
The wizened old man, i was sitting next to in a seminar, looked so cheerful and happy. He was enjoying life, being happy, and having fun. He opined that it is not what is outside that is fun, but what you make of it. Intellectually, and theoretically, i agree.
But practically, no. Why is the entertainment industry there?
Is it like that some things are naturally fun, and others need to be created like that?
People opine that living a life, where you are looking for fun is maddening, because something would turn you on, something would turn you off, and life is not in your control. But damn, what do you do with the control in your life? Play a rat race, enjoy nature, muse or abuse.
Guess the answer does not lie in pondering, it lies in living, doing things that i would love to do.
Hmm, the spirit is down, but not out.
To a greener pasture, to a lively place, tada for now.